Sticks and Stones can break my bones

So I broke my foot. Weird thing, broke my own bone. It was terrifying for a few minutes, pain was really big, sharp, biting and I felt a kind of panic. It was so intense and out of my control. Even as I lay at the bottom of the stairs that had just so abruptly disappeared from under me, as I was writhing and crying and cursing I was also thinking, “ok breath Sage. Breath. It's ok, I think it will be ok”. I even tried some mindfulness, just being with the pain, quieting my sobbing and cursing for a moment. 

Self-soothing? Attempt to calm myself? Or attempt to control? Then I thought of trauma work, how the body takes care of itself if we let it. It shakes, sweats, cries and by doing so we use up the adrenaline and other endocrine hormones that are released when a traumatic event occurs. This works when we allow the body to do these things. And so I released myself from my controlled “mindfulness” and sobbed and moaned and cursed some more. Shook a bit. (I had a bit of time there at the bottom of the stairs, no one was around to see me or interrupt this strange process I found myself in). And I paid attention. I stayed present, so that I felt the pain. I noticed when the pain was changing, lessening, easing. Then I took a deep breath and called for help. 

Which approach really was mindful? The one where I took deep breaths and gave myself positive messages? Or the one I assumed was too reactive and emotional? Is mindfulness a way to control or to allow? Does mindfulness fix things or accept things (feelings, sensations, moods, thoughts)? Does mindfulness have a goal, a preference? 

Unconsciously, I thought that if I took deep breaths and soothed myself, it would hurt less or ease the pain. Sometimes that does happen. We use mindful practices to learn to calm and soothe, to choose our focus and learn that we can let go of stress and tension. But what about when we just cannot do that, are we doing it wrong or are we imposing a concept of being over the truth of being in that moment? 

Every one who sits, who meditates on a regular basis knows that there are days when it is easy, sweet, quiet and there are days when we cannot seem to slow down or can't stop obsessing about an event or a problem. Sits in which all we can notice is the aching back or perhaps we fall asleep. Are those sits failures? No. In fact, they are opportunities. Why? How? 

Life is distracting. It doesn't sit still when you want it to, it cries or it yells or it texts or it breaks your foot.  

I think this is my point (finally!), to say that we sit to be with what is. Without judgment, without attachment and without agenda. We sit so that we learn to be with what is. Yea, that sounds better. We learn, we keep learning to be with what is. And by the way, this may be the most effective approach in my desire for deep inner peace. So laughing, crying, worrying, loving, all these states arise and fall away. No need to stop them, no need to change them, in fact I can just allow and accept them without holding onto them. We can develop our capacity to accept what is, so that when we get upset, when we get scared and when we fall, we know how to be with it. And that, that IS the fix. That's what mindfulness gives me.