Advice for Coping With the Current Situation! From another professional:

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Advice from a psychologist:

After having thirty-one sessions this week with patients where the singular focus was COVID-19 and how to cope, I decided to consolidate my advice and make a list that I hope is helpful to all. I can't control a lot of what is going on right now, but I can contribute this.

Edit: I am surprised and heartened that this has been shared so widely! People have asked me to credential myself, so to that end, I am a doctoral level Psychologist in NYS with a Psy.D. in the specialities of School and Clinical Psychology.

MENTAL HEALTH WELLNESS TIPS FOR QUARANTINE

1. Stick to a routine. Go to sleep and wake up at a reasonable time, write a schedule that is varied and includes time for work as well as self-care.

2. Dress for the social life you want, not the social life you have. Get showered and dressed in comfortable clothes, wash your face, brush your teeth. Take the time to do a bath or a facial. Put on some bright colors. It is amazing how our dress can impact our mood.

3. Get out at least once a day, for at least thirty minutes. If you are concerned of contact, try first thing in the morning, or later in the evening, and try less traveled streets and avenues. If you are high risk or living with those who are high risk, open the windows and blast the fan. It is amazing how much fresh air can do for spirits.

4. Find some time to move each day, again daily for at least thirty minutes. If you don’t feel comfortable going outside, there are many YouTube videos that offer free movement classes, and if all else fails, turn on the music and have a dance party!

5. Reach out to others, you guessed it, at least once daily for thirty minutes. Try to do FaceTime, Skype, phone calls, texting—connect with other people to seek and provide support. Don’t forget to do this for your children as well. Set up virtual playdates with friends daily via FaceTime, Facebook Messenger Kids, Zoom, etc—your kids miss their friends, too!

6. Stay hydrated and eat well. This one may seem obvious, but stress and eating often don’t mix well, and we find ourselves over-indulging, forgetting to eat, and avoiding food. Drink plenty of water, eat some good and nutritious foods, and challenge yourself to learn how to cook something new!

7. Develop a self-care toolkit. This can look different for everyone. A lot of successful self-care strategies involve a sensory component (seven senses: touch, taste, sight, hearing, smell, vestibular (movement) and proprioceptive (comforting pressure). An idea for each: a soft blanket or stuffed animal, a hot chocolate, photos of vacations, comforting music, lavender or eucalyptus oil, a small swing or rocking chair, a weighted blanket. A journal, an inspirational book, or a mandala coloring book is wonderful, bubbles to blow or blowing watercolor on paper through a straw are visually appealing as well as work on controlled breath. Mint gum, Listerine strips, ginger ale, frozen Starburst, ice packs, and cold are also good for anxiety regulation. For children, it is great to help them create a self-regulation comfort box (often a shoe-box or bin they can decorate) that they can use on the ready for first-aid when overwhelmed.

8. Spend extra time playing with children. Children will rarely communicate how they are feeling, but will often make a bid for attention and communication through play. Don’t be surprised to see therapeutic themes of illness, doctor visits, and isolation play through. Understand that play is cathartic and helpful for children—it is how they process their world and problem solve, and there’s a lot they are seeing and experiencing in the now.

9. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and a wide berth. A lot of cooped up time can bring out the worst in everyone. Each person will have moments when they will not be at their best. It is important to move with grace through blowups, to not show up to every argument you are invited to, and to not hold grudges and continue disagreements. Everyone is doing the best they can to make it through this.

10. Everyone find their own retreat space. Space is at a premium, particularly with city living. It is important that people think through their own separate space for work and for relaxation. For children, help them identify a place where they can go to retreat when stressed. You can make this place cozy by using blankets, pillows, cushions, scarves, beanbags, tents, and “forts”. It is good to know that even when we are on top of each other, we have our own special place to go to be alone.

11. Expect behavioral issues in children, and respond gently. We are all struggling with disruption in routine, none more than children, who rely on routines constructed by others to make them feel safe and to know what comes next. Expect increased anxiety, worries and fears, nightmares, difficulty separating or sleeping, testing limits, and meltdowns. Do not introduce major behavioral plans or consequences at this time—hold stable and focus on emotional connection.

12. Focus on safety and attachment. We are going to be living for a bit with the unprecedented demand of meeting all work deadlines, homeschooling children, running a sterile household, and making a whole lot of entertainment in confinement. We can get wrapped up in meeting expectations in all domains, but we must remember that these are scary and unpredictable times for children. Focus on strengthening the connection through time spent following their lead, through physical touch, through play, through therapeutic books, and via verbal reassurances that you will be there for them in this time.

13. Lower expectations and practice radical self-acceptance. This idea is connected with #12. We are doing too many things in this moment, under fear and stress. This does not make a formula for excellence. Instead, give yourself what psychologists call “radical self acceptance”: accepting everything about yourself, your current situation, and your life without question, blame, or pushback. You cannot fail at this—there is no roadmap, no precedent for this, and we are all truly doing the best we can in an impossible situation.

14. Limit social media and COVID conversation, especially around children. One can find tons of information on COVID-19 to consume, and it changes minute to minute. The information is often sensationalized, negatively skewed, and alarmist. Find a few trusted sources that you can check in with consistently, limit it to a few times a day, and set a time limit for yourself on how much you consume (again 30 minutes tops, 2-3 times daily). Keep news and alarming conversations out of earshot from children—they see and hear everything, and can become very frightened by what they hear.

15. Notice the good in the world, the helpers. There is a lot of scary, negative, and overwhelming information to take in regarding this pandemic. There are also a ton of stories of people sacrificing, donating, and supporting one another in miraculous ways. It is important to counter-balance the heavy information with the hopeful information.

16. Help others. Find ways, big and small, to give back to others. Support restaurants, offer to grocery shop, check in with elderly neighbors, write psychological wellness tips for others—helping others gives us a sense of agency when things seem out of control.

17. Find something you can control, and control the heck out of it. In moments of big uncertainty and overwhelm, control your little corner of the world. Organize your bookshelf, purge your closet, put together that furniture, group your toys. It helps to anchor and ground us when the bigger things are chaotic.

18. Find a long-term project to dive into. Now is the time to learn how to play the keyboard, put together a huge jigsaw puzzle, start a 15 hour game of Risk, paint a picture, read the Harry Potter series, binge watch an 8-season show, crochet a blanket, solve a Rubix cube, or develop a new town in Animal Crossing. Find something that will keep you busy, distracted, and engaged to take breaks from what is going on in the outside world.

19. Engage in repetitive movements and left-right movements. Research has shown that repetitive movement (knitting, coloring, painting, clay sculpting, jump roping etc) especially left-right movement (running, drumming, skating, hopping) can be effective at self-soothing and maintaining self-regulation in moments of distress.

20. Find an expressive art and go for it. Our emotional brain is very receptive to the creative arts, and it is a direct portal for release of feeling. Find something that is creative (sculpting, drawing, dancing, music, singing, playing) and give it your all. See how relieved you can feel. It is a very effective way of helping kids to emote and communicate as well!

21. Find lightness and humor in each day. There is a lot to be worried about, and with good reason. Counterbalance this heaviness with something funny each day: cat videos on YouTube, a stand-up show on Netflix, a funny movie—we all need a little comedic relief in our day, every day.

22. Reach out for help—your team is there for you. If you have a therapist or psychiatrist, they are available to you, even at a distance. Keep up your medications and your therapy sessions the best you can. If you are having difficulty coping, seek out help for the first time. There are mental health people on the ready to help you through this crisis. Your children’s teachers and related service providers will do anything within their power to help, especially for those parents tasked with the difficult task of being a whole treatment team to their child with special challenges. Seek support groups of fellow home-schoolers, parents, and neighbors to feel connected. There is help and support out there, any time of the day—although we are physically distant, we can always connect virtually.

23. “Chunk” your quarantine, take it moment by moment. We have no road map for this. We don’t know what this will look like in 1 day, 1 week, or 1 month from now. Often, when I work with patients who have anxiety around overwhelming issues, I suggest that they engage in a strategy called “chunking”—focusing on whatever bite-sized piece of a challenge that feels manageable. Whether that be 5 minutes, a day, or a week at a time—find what feels doable for you, and set a time stamp for how far ahead in the future you will let yourself worry. Take each chunk one at a time, and move through stress in pieces.

24. Remind yourself daily that this is temporary. It seems in the midst of this quarantine that it will never end. It is terrifying to think of the road stretching ahead of us. Please take time to remind yourself that although this is very scary and difficult, and will go on for an undetermined amount of time, it is a season of life and it will pass. We will return to feeing free, safe, busy, and connected in the days ahead.

25. Find the lesson. This whole crisis can seem sad, senseless, and at times, avoidable. When psychologists work with trauma, a key feature to helping someone work through said trauma is to help them find their agency, the potential positive outcomes they can effect, the meaning and construction that can come out of destruction. What can each of us learn here, in big and small ways, from this crisis? What needs to change in ourselves, our homes, our communities, our nation, and our world?

Copy and pasted.

A great podcast!

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Listen to this when you have some time. This episode takes a look at how we really make changes in habit, with substantial and meaningful advice about what makes a new habit stick and why it’s so hard to make new habits!

(I can’t figure out how to add link, so just copy and paste this, it works)

https://podcasts.google.com/?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnByLm9yZy9yc3MvcG9kY2FzdC5waHA_aWQ9NTEwMzA4&episode=MzY4MGUxMjAtNGI3YS00OWIxLWExODQtYzJjOTdiM2IyOGMx&hl=en&ved=2ahUKEwjdjpTby4HnAhWQU80KHc5MCmQQieUEegQIBBAG&ep=6&at=1578953410822

The Guest House by Rumi

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 I posted this back in 2013, but it has been coming up in many sessions recently, as a useful, beautiful and pertinent piece. He was so wise.

 

"This being human is a guest house,
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awarness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all
Even when they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture.

Still treat each guest honorably,
He [or she] may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond."

A NEW Class! Letting Go: Mindfulness and Anxiety, Tools For Life

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If you find anxiety or stress to be an issue or even if you just want to know more about how to calm down a bit, this class is for you! This is a basic step one kind of class, where we will practice and play together with mindfulness. Using simple tools to become more aware of the moment and find out why and how that is useful! My goal is to take any intimidation out of it, to avoid perfectionism and to just have fun.  Email or call if you have any questions.

MIndfulness in another way

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Lifted from Pocket Mindfulness.com. I like it!

Feeling Stressed or Irritated? Try This Mindfulness Magic Trick

 

Are you feeling stressed or irritated? Are you about to scream out loud or pull your hair out? Then try this little mindfulness trick to re-centre and re-balance.

Whenever you feel like you can’t settle down to get anything done, whenever you feel bothered and irritated but can’t quite put your finger on why, whenever you can’t shake that horrible mood you’re in, just stop and ask yourself exactly what is bothering you.

Maybe you’re anticipating something bad happening, maybe you think an argument with a work associate is on the horizon, maybe you’re worried about something more than you care to admit, or maybe you’re just very tired!

The first step to mental peace is to stand still for a moment and try to understand what the issue is. You need a moment of clarity, because the more you try to suppress your feelings the worse you are likely to feel.

Now get a pen and a piece of paper. Make a note of everything that’s on your mind. You’ll be surprised that by simply stopping still for a moment and “awarenessing”, just how many related feelings and emotions come to surface that you weren’t aware were infecting your space.

The reason for this is that thoughts have a tendency to rapidly spiral out of control, so much so that the original reason for thinking a certain way pales into existence as it is replaced by a galaxy of distantly related thoughts. This isn’t a bad thing when these thoughts are happy and our imagination is taking us on a wonderful journey through the valleys of possibility. But when these thoughts are negative or too challenging for us to deal with at the time, it causes us mental suffering – and often a headache!

During this exercise you’ll be amazed at how quickly your mind centres and reorganises itself; thought spirals will stop and be replaced by categories pertaining to subject matters – thus making it far easier for you identify what it really is that’s bothering you and how you might approach solving the issues at hand. The key here is not to be scared of honesty. Don’t second guess yourself, simply allow yourself to offload how you feel onto paper. You are literally emptying your head.

For example, you might write down a list like this:

  1. I am worried about my mother’s operation next week.
  2. I have so much to get done yet everyone expects too much from me.
  3. I am not happy about these recent changes at work.
  4. I am tired, I feel out of shape and a bit sorry for myself.

Now work through the list you have written down and see if you can tick these mind-irritants off your list and clear some space in your head.

Ask yourself questions similar to those below to create solutions to the things causing you stress:

Could you…

  1. Make a quick phone call to someone close and tell them you really care?
  2. Arrange a meeting with your boss or friend to say what’s on your mind?
  3. Apologize to the person you just snapped at?
  4. Make a firm decision to go to bed early tonight and make that spin class at the gym tomorrow?
  5. Be kind to yourself and take a 10-minute walk to clear your head.

This mindfulness exercise is simply about stopping everything you’re doing and addressing those feelings of stress, irritation and worry. It’s about shaking off that annoying, niggling feeling that just won’t let you feel comfortable in what you’re doing.

It’s about truly noticing what’s wrong and taking positive action to deal with it, right now. And if there’s nothing you can do about the things you’ve written down, just rest in the new-found awareness that circumstances are as they are in this moment, and know that things do have a funny way of working themselves out for the best.

I call this a trick because it really is a magic cure for taming the moody mind that just won’t let you get on with being productive and happy. Done often enough, this is great training for teaching yourself to be fully present with what’s happening right now. Through the sheer power of awareness, we come to accept life as it is in the present, not for what we think we would like it to be like in the next moment, and the moment after that, and the….you get where I’m going with this.

Once your list is complete and you’ve been through each item one-by-one to see if there’s any possibility of being able to make an immediate positive change, take a big, deep breath, smile, shrug your shoulders a few times to shake it all loose and go about your day feeling lighter and rejuvenated.

Quote from a wonderful Teacher

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This is lifted from Tara Brach's website and I invite you to check out her site. She was one of the teachers I studied with during a retreat and she had a profound affect upon me.

"In any moment, no matter how lost we feel,we can take refuge in presence and love. We need only pause, breathe and open to the experienceof aliveness within us. In that wakeful openness, we come home to the peace and freedom of our own natural awareness."

Her site can be viewed at http://www.tarabrach.com/

 

Some Buddhist perspective on Depression

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Lifted from this website http://viewonbuddhism.org/depression.html, I don't see all the article being useful but I liked this section and an exploration of the whole article may be a good challenging thing to read!

 

"One of the causes for depression can be a strong sense of dissatisfaction with ourselves; perhaps the page on lack of self-confidence could be helpful? In modern society, it appears that only 'being number one' counts, but this leaves out the other 6 billion people, including 'me'. Does that mean that I am worthless? Of course not! 
Just look at the other end of the scale: many of our so-called great heroes of the past are admired for their power, courage and intelligence, but how many heroes can you think of that actually made it a point to create happiness and security instead of waging war and creating havoc? Simply being a loving and caring person tends to help the world a lot more than being 'number one'. One may admire pop-idols and moviestars, but many of them are (or will be) in a sorry state, addicted to drugs and 'life in the fast lane'; not understanding that happiness is a state of their own mind, not of their bank account, level of drugs, availability of sex etc.

If we can genuinely wish ourselves happiness and radiate that wish to others, our state of mind can change dramatically. If we change our mind, we can change our mood - a simple process, but not easy to achieve quickly. One of the most important things is to understand that we can change our own mind if we make a bit of an effort. If we would not be able to change anything in our mind, how did we ever learn to read and write?

Andrew Solomon wrote in 'Anatomy of Melancholy':

"When you are depressed, the past and the future are absorbed entirely by the present, as in the world of a three-year-old. You can neither remember feeling better nor imagine that you will feel better. Being upset, even profoundly upset, is a temporal experience, whereas depression is atemporal. Depression means that you have no point of view."

A sweet blog post by some one else about depression→

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I am not one to advocate positive thinking as a remedy for depression, because it is ineffective. I do however, really like the following writer's approach as it uses intelligent cognitive processes and mindfulness! See what you think! This is the beginning of a blog post by  Annie Thompson-Bert - Blog Author, MoodPanda

One time, I called my psychiatrist on the phone and upon his picking up, I said, “Hello doctor, this is Ann Hedonia.”  The joke being that my name is Ann and that he knew I was in the lower depths of depression and might find my pun amusing.  I knew intellectually that it was funny, but it brought me no pleasure or laughter.

Indeed, Anhedonia is no laughing matter, as this absence of ability to experience happiness, joy or pleasure goes hand in hand with the diagnosis of depression - and enjoyment and engagement with people, places and events is a basic requirement for a full and happy life.

So what is there to do about the dark, joyless times that may befall us?

Copy and paste the link below for the whole piece.

http://moodpanda.tumblr.com/post/89570120956/how-to-make-good-memories-in-the-worst-of-times

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Guest House by Rumi

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"This being human is a guest house,
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awarness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all
Even when they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture.

Still treat each guest honorably,
He [or she] may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond."

 

What is therapy for?

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An excerpt from the book Play Therapy by Virginia Axline, where she speaks of the best of what therapy is, what it is for. Eloquent and essential.

 

In the warm and friendly relationship which the counselor establishes, the client is enabled to face himself squarely, feeling secure in this genuinely co-operative relationship, experiencing an absolute togetherness in this effort to achieve complete self-understanding and self-acceptance. As a result of a successful non-directive counseling experience, the client seems to acquire a consistent philosophy of life which can be summed up as follows: He gains respect for himself as an individual of value. He learns to accept himself, to grant himself the permissiveness to utilize all of his capacities, and to assume responsibility for himself. And in turn he applies this philosophy in his relationships with others so that he has a real respect for people, an acceptance of them as they are, and a belief in their capacities so that he grants them the permissiveness to utilize their capacities and lets them assume responsibility for making their own decisions. It is a real belief in the integrity of the individual. It places emphasis on a positive and constructive way of life.

Sticks and Stones can break my bones

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So I broke my foot. Weird thing, broke my own bone. It was terrifying for a few minutes, pain was really big, sharp, biting and I felt a kind of panic. It was so intense and out of my control. Even as I lay at the bottom of the stairs that had just so abruptly disappeared from under me, as I was writhing and crying and cursing I was also thinking, “ok breath Sage. Breath. It's ok, I think it will be ok”. I even tried some mindfulness, just being with the pain, quieting my sobbing and cursing for a moment. 

Self-soothing? Attempt to calm myself? Or attempt to control? Then I thought of trauma work, how the body takes care of itself if we let it. It shakes, sweats, cries and by doing so we use up the adrenaline and other endocrine hormones that are released when a traumatic event occurs. This works when we allow the body to do these things. And so I released myself from my controlled “mindfulness” and sobbed and moaned and cursed some more. Shook a bit. (I had a bit of time there at the bottom of the stairs, no one was around to see me or interrupt this strange process I found myself in). And I paid attention. I stayed present, so that I felt the pain. I noticed when the pain was changing, lessening, easing. Then I took a deep breath and called for help. 

Which approach really was mindful? The one where I took deep breaths and gave myself positive messages? Or the one I assumed was too reactive and emotional? Is mindfulness a way to control or to allow? Does mindfulness fix things or accept things (feelings, sensations, moods, thoughts)? Does mindfulness have a goal, a preference? 

Unconsciously, I thought that if I took deep breaths and soothed myself, it would hurt less or ease the pain. Sometimes that does happen. We use mindful practices to learn to calm and soothe, to choose our focus and learn that we can let go of stress and tension. But what about when we just cannot do that, are we doing it wrong or are we imposing a concept of being over the truth of being in that moment? 

Every one who sits, who meditates on a regular basis knows that there are days when it is easy, sweet, quiet and there are days when we cannot seem to slow down or can't stop obsessing about an event or a problem. Sits in which all we can notice is the aching back or perhaps we fall asleep. Are those sits failures? No. In fact, they are opportunities. Why? How? 

Life is distracting. It doesn't sit still when you want it to, it cries or it yells or it texts or it breaks your foot.  

I think this is my point (finally!), to say that we sit to be with what is. Without judgment, without attachment and without agenda. We sit so that we learn to be with what is. Yea, that sounds better. We learn, we keep learning to be with what is. And by the way, this may be the most effective approach in my desire for deep inner peace. So laughing, crying, worrying, loving, all these states arise and fall away. No need to stop them, no need to change them, in fact I can just allow and accept them without holding onto them. We can develop our capacity to accept what is, so that when we get upset, when we get scared and when we fall, we know how to be with it. And that, that IS the fix. That's what mindfulness gives me. 

 

Thinking about Fear Part 1

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I have been thinking about fear.

The other day a very beautiful and open 3 year old told me, "My dog's name is Ginger. She's going to die in a few days. I am going to die and that scares me." Oh, did my heart go out to him. I saw it with my own son too, at about the same age children become aware of death and it is deeply shaking for some of them. They do that lovely thing kids often do; you're going along in the car together or walking to the store holding hands or building a tower with blocks and they just nonchalantly say, "I am going to die." Or, "Mommy, I will miss you when you die." or some such straightforward and heart wrenching words that you feel completely unprepared for!

So what did I do for this 3 year old who just shared a deep and anxious fear? I said, "I know, I feel afraid about that too sometimes." After a moment or two, I did offer reassurances too, that most likely he will live for a very very very long time still and other such calming thoughts, but I started by just hearing him, "joining" with him. Even at 3, maybe especially at 3, we can join with each other in our fears and then, breath. Accept. There is no point in fighting the reality of death, and no reason to deny the fear. (Then my small friend got off the potty and ran back outside to play).

When my son went through this I had to decide if I really believe what I talk about, that by accepting and being with our feelings we are freer. I did not try to talk him out of his fear,  I just joined with him, agreed about it being scary. I didn't pretend or avoid. He did not become increasingly anxious, in fact he clearly moved on, as kids do. Did his fear disappear, or did he find a way to live with it, accepting it as part of being? That's my hope.


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Free Writing

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Free Writing is a great way to spend quality time with yourself. Sometimes it reveals some inner hidden thoughts or feelings we were not aware of before. Sometimes it is just fun and silly and sometimes it can be painfully brutally good for us.

The phrase was coined by Natalie Goldberg, who wrote "Writing Down the Bones" and a number of other good writing books. The idea is to use the medium of writing as a tool for getting fresh and fully present, to engage "1st thoughts" rather than thoughts about thoughts or judgments of thoughts. Natalie has a list of simple rules to follow, but the ones I remember right now are, keep the pen moving, don't stop even if you don't know what to say, forget about punctuation and grammar and no judgment allowed - anything goes.

For example, my 1st thought might be "I hate that pink dress.But instead of writing that simple thought, my thought about that thought might be, well, that's not very nice Sage, and then, why am I so judgmental or I can't write that and on and on. But if I am free writing I might just say, I hate that pink dress, it makes my eyes blink and makes me want to run away. I always want to run away...

So then I end up writing about running away instead of the pink dress. I didn't realize that I sometimes have an urge to run away. So now I can explore that urge, might be something interesting in that! I have used free writing as a tool for years for self reflection and for my own creative writing process.

Here's a silly free write - hopefully you will try your own

Does writing cost money? Can writing make me free? What would that feel like would I become like a sky writer like Harold and the purple crayon, writing my realities and adventures and ending up snug in my comfy bed at the end of the story? Free, can anything make me free? Do I really want to be free? What would I do, say, who would I be with, would it feel good? Am I free? Maybe, maybe I am No, I think I am not but sometimes I am a little free, laughing makes me notice freedom, sometimes crying, singing, writing can. when do I feel free is it a choice or is it in my biology, my pre-dis-po-sition. Such a great word, pre-dis-po-sition, It sounds lawyerly and sciencish and educated. It's loooooooooooooooooog. I like words, I like to be free with words, I like them on my tongue and in my ear and down my throat, coming up from my belly. Sometimes I shake with certain words, Sometimes I shudder, shudder shudder. Another cool word, it sounnds like what it is....



The Value and Purpose of Mindfulness

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Now that I posted these two mindfulness sites, I might as well add my own two cents! I believe that mindfulness is good for pretty much all of us. I do not believe that everyone needs to meditate, but I think it is possible that we all would be freer, happier and more comfortable in our lives by developing the ability to get mindful. Mindfulness is about tolerance, increasing our ability to tolerate different states without having to run from them. States like anxiousness, sadness, confusion, joy. (Joy? Am I saying that it can be hard to tolerate joy? Yes, I am!) And we know what I mean about running from them, these states, these feelings. Getting busy, turning on the computer/tv/phone, using food, drink, or other substances to alter our state, even talking can be a way to run from or avoid uncomfortable feelings. So mindfulness in a very simple way can help us have less need to run, it can really help us be more comfortable in our own skins!

I find myself saying the following to clients frequently, if we fight (resist, run from, avoid, argue with or try to ignore) almost any emotion, we usually lose. It works for the short term, but  usually that feeling comes back and sometimes with a vengeance! It seems that fighting what is, makes what is, stronger. I want to be clear, I am not suggesting that we need to or should be mindful all the time. We have rhythms. There are times to be mindful, times to be dreamy, times to be busy and more. I am advocating for increasing our bouts of mindfulness. For a bit more, or longer or more frequent forays into this present moment, slowing down and checking in with ourselves. For more moments of noticing exactly where we are, what we are thinking, feeling, doing. and then accepting what is. The benefits can be subtle but are surely freeing.

I would love to hear about your experiments or experiences with mindfulness.

Accepting Absolutely Everything

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This is a post from a wonderful Buddhist Teacher's Blog, Tara Brach. Please read, ponder, question, enjoy!

Accepting Absolutely Everything

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” —Carl Rogers 

Mohini was a regal white tiger who lived for many years at the Washington D.C. National Zoo. For most of those years her home was in the old lion house—a typical twelve-by-twelve-foot cage with iron bars and a cement floor. Mohini spent her days pacing restlessly back and forth in her cramped quarters. Eventually, biologists and staff worked together to create a natural habitat for her. Covering several acres, it had hills, trees, a pond and a variety of vegetation. With excitement and anticipation they released Mohini into her new and expansive environment. But it was too late. The tiger immediately sought refuge in a corner of the compound, where she lived for the remainder of her life. Mohini paced and paced in that corner until an area twelve by twelve feet was worn bare of grass.

Perhaps the biggest tragedy in our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns. Entangled in the trance of unworthiness, we grow accustomed to caging ourselves in with self-judgment and anxiety, with restlessness and dissatisfaction. Like Mohini, we grow incapable of accessing the freedom and peace that are our birthright. We may want to love other people without holding back, to feel authentic, to breathe in the beauty around us, to dance and sing. Yet each day we listen to inner voices that keep our life small. Even if we were to win millions of dollars in the lottery or marry the perfect person, as long as we feel not good enough, we wouldn’t be able to enjoy the possibilities before us. Unlike Mohini, however, we can learn to recognize when we are keeping ourselves trapped by our own beliefs and fears. We can see how we are wasting our precious lives.

The way out of our cage begins with accepting absolutely everything we are feeling about ourselves and our lives, by embracing with wakefulness and care our moment-to-moment experience. By accepting absolutely everything, what I mean is that we are aware of what is happening within our body and mind in any given moment, without trying to control or judge or pull away. I do not mean that we are putting up with harmful behavior—our own or another’s. Nor do I mean that we are confirming the truth of a negative belief, such as “I am a loser.”

Rather, this is an inner process of accepting our actual, present-moment experience. It means feeling sorrow and pain without resisting. It means feeling desire or dislike for someone or something without judging ourselves for the feeling or being driven to act on it.

Clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind and loving heart, is what I call Radical Acceptance. If we are holding back from any part of our experience, if our heart shuts out any part of who we are and what we feel, we are fueling the fears and feelings of separation that sustain the trance of unworthiness. Radical Acceptance directly dismantles the very foundations of this trance.

Since non-acceptance is the very nature of the trance, we might wonder how, when we feel most stuck, we take the first step out of it. It can give us confidence to remember that the Buddha nature that is our essence remains intact, no matter how lost we may be. The very nature of our awareness is to know what is happening. The very nature of our heart is to care. Like a boundless sea, we have the capacity to embrace the waves of life as they move through us. Even when the sea is stirred up by the winds of self-doubt, we can find our way home. We can discover in the midst of the waves, our spacious and wakeful awareness.